The power of a positive no

Research suggests saying ‘no’ is not the most effective way to discipline a child. Purvaja Sawant talks to experts to find a happy solution for parents and children.
Disciplining a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. After all, it’s one of the most difficult jobs in the world, one that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. And while parenting can be rewarding, more often than not, it’s frustrating.No wonder when it comes to chastising their children, today, parents are often caught saying ‘No’ or ‘Don’t’ — usually resorting to negative reinforcement. But are these really effective in disciplining your child?
A simple ‘no’ can be more harmful than you think
Believe it or not, according to a UCLA (University of California, Los Angeles) study, an average toddler hears the word ‘no’ more than 400 times a day! No wonder, by the time children hit their teens, most of them become immune to the word. But since the pattern of speaking and learning is established early in a child’s developing years, and often continues till their adult lives, it breeds resentment in a child, especially against the parents. In some extreme cases, it can desensitise him/ her to its meaning, thus planting seeds for future rebellion. Salony Priya, counselling psychologist, who recently held a workshop for parents on disciplining children, reveals, “By saying ‘no’ to a child, parents expect to make him/her understand that their behaviour is unacceptable. However, the way you say ‘no’ is more important than the word itself. Non-verbal cues like a positive body language ensures the message is sent to the child correctly. Also, very young children don’t respond to ‘no’ as desired because the attention they get from their parents when they have done something wrong is much more.”
Use positive terms and words
It’s not always feasible or possible to fulfil your child’s every whim and fancy. So more often than not, you will have to deny him. But when you do so, try using constructive ways, so that you can get your point across in a positive manner. Socialite Pooja Bedi, mother of two teenage kids, says, “I’ve realised, a blanket no is never a good solution, especially when you are dealing with an inquisitive and curious mind of a child. Unless you explain to your children why you are refusing them something, they will never respect the word ‘no’.” She believes that instead of saying a direct no, parents need to offer them an alternative or option, which makes them feel that they are given a fair choice.
When Kunal Shukla, engineer, has to refuse his six-year-old daughter, he explains to her why he’s doing so. “Though my daughter is still young, I always give her appropriate reasons, whenever I don’t give her something that she wants. This way, she grows up learning that there is an explanation as to why I have taken that decision. Giving her a justification will sharpen her reasoning skills, and also make her realise that I don’t say no for everything.”
Sreenanda Roy, a housewife who has a 12-year-old daughter, says, “You need to set the right example for your children by using positive reinforcement. You must practise what you preach. If you don’t, the child will get confused and grow up to be rebellious and stubborn. Discipline only becomes an issue when kids are confused about their wrong doing and do not know better than the alternative they have. Parents know better, and conveying it in the right way will make sure the message registers for good.”
Mistakes parents make
Bribing your child too often: When you constantly bribe them to follow rules, eventually they will think that they can manipulate you.
Not practising what you preach:
When parents don’t follow what they say, children grow up believing they don’t mean what they say.
Having unrealistic expectations:
Pushing children to achieve what you think may be right for them doesn’t allow them to grow at their own pace.
Setting a poor example: Children observe, learn and ape their parents, whether it’s the way they speak, behave, act or react to situations.
Confusing punishment with discipline: While discipline teaches a child how to think and be responsible for their choices, punishment instills fear of pain.
Creative alternatives to saying ‘no’
While dealing with children, focus on positive disciplining, based on the principles of listening, understanding and then steering, instead of starting with a ‘no’ and then proceeding to empty threats, or using power on the child. In short, follow the T-A-L-K model. We tell you how... Tell the child what do you want rather than stopping him by saying NO.
Ask him/her a question to understand why he/she is doing a particular action and what the intention behind the action could be.
Listen to what the child has to say; it will enable you to understand your child better; and vice-versa Kindle a desire in your child to listen to you and communicate with you freely.
purvaja.sawant@timesgroup.com